Addressing Repeated Bad Behavior
It’s understandable to feel frustrated when one has to address an issue multiple times, yet the behavior persists. What often keeps us up at night isn’t a single instance of poor behavior, but the ongoing pattern that seems impossible to break.
The advice I received years ago was simple yet powerful: when something in your life is painful or frustrating, you only have three choices:
Accept it
Change it
Leave it
It sounds like you’re not ready to simply accept this behavior, and you’re not at the point where ending the relationship is an option. So, let’s focus on option two—changing the behavior. But here’s the catch: to change their behavior, you first need to focus on changing your approach.
1. Master Your Story
When dealing with someone’s poor behavior, it’s easy to jump to conclusions. We observe the behavior, and then we tell ourselves a story about why they did it. However, these stories are often more assumptions than facts.
For example, you might think, “This person is being disrespectful because they don’t care about the impact.” But here’s the truth: your story is just that—a story. The moment you start getting upset or angry based on this story, you undermine your ability to influence the person. And, in many cases, your frustration will only make the situation worse.
Instead, ask yourself, “Why might I have done what they did in this situation?” or “What else could be influencing their behavior that I’m missing?”
By challenging your assumptions, you can reframe the situation more objectively and set the stage for a productive conversation.
2. Understand the Sources of Influence
Before you attempt to change someone’s behavior, it’s essential to understand what might be contributing to it. Some questions to consider are:
Motivation: Are they motivated to change? Do they see a need for improvement?
Skills and Knowledge: Do they have the skills or knowledge to make the change?
Social Influence: Are others modeling or tolerating the same bad behavior?
Incentives: Are there incentives (even indirect ones) for maintaining the bad behavior?
Tools and Support: Do they have the resources or support to change?
Structural Barriers: Are there policies or processes that make change difficult?
These questions aren’t about making excuses for bad behavior but rather about understanding the factors at play. If you can uncover some of these contributing elements, you might find solutions that are more effective than simply addressing the behavior itself.
3. Have the Right Conversation
One of the reasons these behaviors persist is that we often don’t address the right issues. People tend to focus on isolated incidents rather than the underlying pattern. This is where many conversations go off track. The key to breaking the cycle is discussing patterns of behavior, not just individual actions.
When talking with the person, avoid getting lost in the details of the most recent instance that frustrated you. Instead, bring up the broader pattern of behavior. If discussing the pattern doesn’t yield results, it may be necessary to address the relationship itself—how it’s impacting your work together and the trust that may or may not be present.
As you engage in these discussions, focus on seeking understanding, not assigning blame. Be open to hearing what the other person is experiencing, even if their reasons sound like excuses. Sometimes, the issue isn’t just the bad behavior—it’s an inability to have an honest and open conversation about it.
Moving Forward
To change someone’s behavior, you have to start by changing how you approach the situation. Shift your perspective, understand the root causes of the behavior, and make sure you’re addressing the real issues in your conversations. This may not resolve the problem overnight, but with patience, clarity, and consistent effort, it’s possible to break the cycle and bring about change.
Best regards,
Yogesh