Dear Yogesh,

When an employee is dealing with personal issues, it often reflects in their work. The past few years have been challenging for, and I feel compassion and the need to maintain clear boundaries. I want to show understanding to my team, while also ensuring they meet their job responsibilities and performance standards. How can I express my support while keeping professional boundaries intact? In previous conversations, I’ve noticed that some individuals tend to overshare personal matters, crossing professional limits. I seek your guidance.

Dear Fazal,

Your inquiry hits home and underscores a frequent dilemma for leaders. It’s a common theme because our focus is on leading people—not machines. Even with the best intentions to manage personal issues, life can affect work performance in unexpected ways.

I can relate; 15 years ago, during my experience with in vitro fertilization (IVF), I faced similar challenges. IVF is an intense journey filled with physical, emotional, and financial ups and downs. There’s little control over numerous doctor visits, medication schedules, or the unpredictability of feelings day-to-day. Though I was a dedicated employee committed to excellence, the stress from IVF sometimes overwhelmed me. After the initial cycles didn’t succeed, I found my emotional state affected my work. Yet, during this vulnerable period, my colleagues, especially my manager, provided essential support and understanding. They granted me the necessary grace during this tough time. The reason I’ve remained with Crucial Learning for nearly two decades is due to this unwavering support from my peers during challenging phases.

I commend your intention and capability to assist your employees during their trials. As someone who has benefited from workplace empathy, I assure you that being understanding with a struggling direct report fosters deep trust and loyalty. This connection is what individuals seek and deserve—even within a work environment. Remember, we’re working with people, not machines.

However, it doesn’t always work out as planned. Sometimes, an attempt to show empathy makes us wish we could retreat. What we might intend as a brief discussion about someone’s difficulties can evolve into an overwhelming emotional exchange, one where we may not be equipped to provide the necessary support. At that point, setting boundaries can seem nearly impossible, as it might come off as uncaring or judgmental, when your original goal was to be helpful.

When you find your sympathetic offer has led to a deluge of emotional baggage, consider these suggestions:

1. Don’t pick up someone’s victim card. This piece of advice comes from my colleague Scott Robley. He shared this principle with me when I started managing people, and I wish I had known it sooner—it would have spared both me and my team considerable stress.

By picking up someone's victim card, you inadvertently take on responsibility for their struggles. It acknowledges that what they’re experiencing is too overwhelming for them to handle, positioning them as a victim. Consequently, you feel the pressure to resolve their issues or continuously validate their challenges. This approach is draining and ultimately leads to resentment.

Instead, recognize their struggles but encourage them to take ownership by saying something like, “I appreciate you sharing this with me. That sounds really challenging, and I’m sorry you’ve faced those experiences. However, I believe you’ve overcome difficulties before, so let’s discuss what you need to succeed again.”

Encourage them to move beyond victimhood and seek solutions to their work-related challenges.

2. Set boundaries by clarifying your intent. If an employee starts to share too much or seem to exploit your compassion, you can establish boundaries by being upfront about your intentions. Let them know you’re not dismissing their difficulties but instead looking for ways to help them manage their challenges at work.

It could sound like this: “Thank you for sharing. I understand it’s a tough situation, and I can see how it might impact your work. I want to explore how I can assist you while ensuring your responsibilities are met. I don’t wish to appear indifferent; if we don’t spend extensive time on your challenges, it’s because I want to concentrate on how we can get you back to doing the excellent work I know you’re capable of.”

3. Involve HR if necessary. This advice is especially crucial if the employee’s issues relate to health—whether their own or a family member's. It's tough to remain unsympathetic toward employees facing health difficulties. However, that doesn’t mean the burden falls entirely on you or the organization. If an employee’s health concerns negatively affect them or the team, they may be entitled to medical leave under FMLA laws, allowing them to address their challenges and return healthy. This step might be essential for both of you to move ahead in a healthy and productive manner.

These are merely three suggestions, and I’m sure our readers can provide additional insights to navigate this complex leadership issue. I encourage sharing your thoughts and experiences in the comments.

Finding the balance between being a friend and a manager can be tricky. Personally, I’ve discovered that having a friendly relationship with my team facilitates smooth workflows, fosters open communication, and builds mutual trust. They recognize my care for them, and I feel their concern in return, which makes the workplace more enjoyable. Who wouldn’t want to work alongside friends?

However, nothing can be more exhausting than an employee who will take advantage if given the chance. If you find yourself in this situation, resist the impulse to adopt their victim mindset. If you've already done so, set it aside; establish clear boundaries and intentions; and don’t hesitate to escalate to HR when necessary.

Best Regards, 

Yogesh

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