Dear Yogesh,

I’m struggling to provide effective performance feedback to an overconfident employee. While I don’t want to downplay her contributions or discourage her, she tends to deflect feedback and offers no insights when asked what she could improve. This disconnect has led her to believe that I don’t value her as an employee—which is far from the truth. We just need to bridge this gap. Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,
Jatin

Dear Jatin,

It sounds like the feedback conversations you’re having are focusing on the wrong issue. You’ve likely been addressing individual performance concerns—the “Content Conversation”—when the bigger challenge is actually the pattern of behavior during these discussions.

To address this, you’ll need to shift your focus to what we call a “Pattern Conversation.” The real issue isn’t just the specific feedback you’re providing but her consistent responses to it. This includes deflecting constructive feedback and steering the conversation to unrelated topics, such as her strengths.

Set the Stage

Start by scheduling a separate conversation specifically about this pattern. Make it clear that this discussion is about how feedback exchanges are handled—not about any single performance issue.

When raising the topic, stick to factual observations. Avoid judgmental language and focus on specific examples to illustrate the pattern. You might begin like this:

“Hi Kara. I’d like to discuss something I’ve noticed in our feedback conversations. My goal is to make them more productive for both of us. Here’s what I’ve observed: When I point out areas for improvement, the conversation often shifts. For instance, in our last one-on-one, I mentioned that Trevor wasn’t informed before the power was turned off in the server room. Your response was, ‘But the project came in under budget.’”

This approach highlights the behavior without assigning blame, helping to keep the conversation constructive.

Stay on Track

If she pivots to feelings of being undervalued, acknowledge her emotions but bring the focus back to the main point. For example:

“Kara, I hear that you feel your contributions aren’t being recognized. Let’s set aside time to discuss that in detail. For now, though, I’d like to focus on how we handle feedback conversations. This is important for us to work together effectively.”

You can also point out this pivot as part of the pattern:

“I’ve noticed that when I raise areas for improvement, the conversation often shifts to whether I value your strengths. I want to be clear: I do appreciate your contributions. But raising improvement opportunities and recognizing strengths are two separate topics, and I’d like us to address them separately moving forward.”

Build a Commitment

Once you’ve clarified the pattern and its impact, ask for her commitment to a new way of engaging during feedback conversations. For instance:

“Next time we discuss areas for improvement, would you be willing to focus on the specific feedback rather than redirecting the conversation? If there’s something you’d like to discuss about your strengths, let’s make sure to schedule time for that, too.”

End the conversation by agreeing on a follow-up:

“Let’s revisit this in our next one-on-one to see how it’s going. Does that work for you?”

Final Thoughts

This approach is entirely achievable if you remain clear, consistent, and focused. Remember, your role is to provide honest, constructive feedback and ensure it’s heard—not to manage her emotions. Stay centered on the purpose of the conversation, and over time, you’ll likely see progress in how these discussions unfold.

Best regards,

Yogesh

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