Sincerely, Shivam

Dear Shivam,

Thank you for reaching out with such a thoughtful question. The situation you’re describing reminds me of an interaction I witnessed between a customer and a store owner. It escalated quickly, starting with an angry remark, followed by more angry words from the customer, until the owner demanded the customer leave the store. The entire exchange took just a few moments, but both parties walked away feeling justified, yet likely frustrated and hurt.

Since the arrival of COVID-19, this type of conflict has become more common. The precautions themselves may not be controversial, but how and where they’re applied often leads to misunderstandings. Different people have different levels of risk tolerance, which can create tension and conflict.

This situation is complicated by unconscious bias, something I saw highlighted in a 2015 study by VitalSmarts. While the study focused on gender bias, it applies here too—people often hold unconscious biases about health and hygiene. This can lead to misinterpretations of your actions, especially if people don’t understand why you're asking for distance.

One effective way to reduce misunderstandings is through "framing." Framing is the process of explaining your behavior and providing context, which helps others avoid assumptions or biases about your actions. Here are two types of frames you could use to help prevent conflict:

1. The Behavioral Frame: This is when you give people a heads-up about what you’re going to do and why. By explaining your behavior upfront, you prevent them from interpreting it negatively. For example, if you need to ask someone to maintain distance, you might say, "Just so you know, I’m taking extra care to keep things sanitized because of the situation. I’ll be wiping down the counters after you’re done.” This way, people are less likely to be surprised or feel offended.
   
   

2. The Value Frame: This explains why you’re doing something, tying your behavior to your values. People may not understand why you’re being extra cautious, so it can be helpful to explain the reason behind your actions. You might say, “It might seem like a lot, but I’m being careful because I have a young child at home who is at higher risk. I just want to keep us both safe.” Sharing your personal values can help others understand where you’re coming from and reduce judgment.
   
   

In your interactions moving forward, remember that you don’t have to choose between your health and your relationships. By using these frames, you can help others see that your actions are rooted in genuine concern, not overreaction or disregard for others. You can keep yourself safe while maintaining good relationships.

Best regards,

Yogesh