New Friend at Work Betrayed Your Confidence? Ask Yogesh Sood.
Dear Yogesh,
I had a friend at my workplace and we were really close to each other. She recently moved out of the organization and I was really taken aback. A new hire soon took her position, and I became friendly with her. I will call her Pooja.
Pooja and I were really good friends and shared everything about our professional as well as personal lives. I thought we were on the same page until recently I heard my other colleagues gossiping about one of my personal things. I was shocked and very hurt to know that Pooja was sharing my personal information, which I told her in confidence. I thought I could trust her but she really surprised me.
This episode has really betrayed my trust. I thought I was a good judge of character but this has proven the opposite. I had a lunch planned with her that I canceled. I don’t know what to do in the future. Please suggest something.
Regards,
Chayan
Dear Chayan,
It is of utmost importance that we have friends at work. This not only helps us keep a balance when in need, but also gives us a conversationist with who we can share ideas, and thoughts, and also vent. I know that work friendships can be tricky to keep, and who to tell your personal stuff is a big decision to make.
As I proceed with my answer, I would like to point out a few things that I observed in your situation. You are someone who is in high need of camaraderie and require a partner with who you can share your thoughts. The key here is to find a way in which you can have someone to share your thoughts with without putting yourself at risk.
Even if you have got your trust broken, you cannot stop your hunt for a new BFF. Meanwhile, you can share your concerns and feelings with your old friend. The more thoughtful you are about choosing who to trust and to tell your truth, the better it will be. This brings me to another concern that you mentioned. Your ability to judge character.
Assessing character can be extremely difficult and notoriously delicate. There are very few people who I think can do that. A lot of people have complained about the same situation saying they have become really good at choosing their clan but made a mistake.
One of the trusted models that I believe in using in such scenarios is Blanchard’s Trust Model. It breaks down the four elements of trust as:
1. Is this person Able—do they demonstrate competence?
2. Is this person Believable—do they act with integrity?
3. Is this person Connected—do they show that they care about others?
4. Is this person Dependable—do they honor commitments?
You can use this model and see how people act according to these four dimensions. Now, coming to the question about maintaining a relationship with Pooja. Well, in this case, you can do two things now. You can cut Pooja off and create distance from her by canceling future lunches. After a couple of cancelations, she’ll get the message.
Or you have the option to do a difficult conversation with her. Tell her what you heard and she had broken your confidence, it shocked you and hurt your feelings. Ask her to apologize and see how she responds. It will tell you whether you should build this relationship further or leave her. If she listens, owns it, and apologizes, maybe you can begin again. Sometimes an early breach of trust and an earnest attempt to repair it can build the strongest relationships.
I would also advise you to not tell her anything personal. In the future, give things a little more time before you jump in with both feet. I am sure you will either find a person for life or a lesson for life.
Regards,
Yogesh Sood
The above is an adaptation of a blog written on NOVEMBER 27, 2021 by MADELEINE HOMAN BLANCHARD: