With regards,

Ajay

Dear Ajay,

Your words resonate deeply, and I want to start by acknowledging the weight of what you’re feeling. The effort you put into helping others grow reflects your care and dedication as a leader. But with that commitment comes vulnerability—the kind that can lead to the pain of disappointment.

What you’re experiencing isn’t unusual. In fact, it’s one of the paradoxes of great leadership: the more you invest in others, the more deeply you feel when their potential goes unrealized.

Disappointment is more than an emotion; it’s a biological response. Research shows that when expectations aren’t met, our brains release less dopamine and serotonin, which can make the letdown feel particularly intense. The more we care, the harder it hits.

And yet, this doesn’t mean you should stop caring. It means reframing your perspective so the emotional toll is less severe.

Tempering Expectations

Here are some ways to adjust your approach while continuing to invest in others:

1. Clarify Your Expectations
   Take some time to articulate what you expect from the people you mentor. Then, have open conversations with them to understand their goals and priorities. Misaligned expectations can often be the source of frustration. Aligning your hopes with their aspirations may help ease the sting of unmet potential.
   
   

2. Share a Vision, Not Pressure
   There’s a subtle but important difference between offering a hopeful vision and placing expectations on someone. Sharing what you see as possible for them is a gift—a way to inspire and motivate. But the choice to pursue that vision must come from within.
   
   

3. Reframe as a Gift
   Consider viewing your guidance and mentorship as acts of generosity, offered with no strings attached. As Nelson Mandela wisely said, “There is no greater gift than that of giving one’s time and energy to others without expecting anything in return.” When you shift your perspective this way, you may find it easier to let go of the outcomes you can’t control.
   
   

4. Respect Their Autonomy
   No matter how much effort you put into someone’s growth, their choices remain theirs alone. The potential you see in them—and your desire for them to achieve it—doesn’t guarantee they will take the path you envision. Recognizing this can help you focus on what you can control: the effort and care you give.
   
   

A Poetic Perspective

Your situation reminds me of Kahlil Gibran’s poem, On Children, from The Prophet. While it’s written for parents, the parallels to leadership are striking:

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”

As a leader, you are the bow, offering stability and direction. But once you release the arrow, its path is no longer in your control.

Focus on the Wins

Instead of dwelling on disappointments, celebrate the successes—the ones where your guidance played a role, however small. Recognize that even when potential goes unrealized, your efforts are not wasted. They reflect your character and your commitment to making a difference.

Your alternative—giving up on investing in others—is a road to cynicism, which doesn’t seem like a fit for you. The very fact that you’re reflecting so thoughtfully on this challenge shows your heart is still in the right place.

A Final Thought

If you’re someone reading this and recalling a manager who changed your life, take a moment to let them know. A quick LinkedIn message or a handwritten note could mean more than you realize. Leaders rarely get to see the full impact of their efforts, and a simple "thank you" can go a long way.

Warmly,
Yogesh