Dear Yogesh,

My wife and I have a friend who avoids crucial conversations. Over time, unresolved issues have piled up to the point where she suddenly "put her foot down," declaring, "We are changing our friendship," and dictating terms. We've observed self-centered behaviors—dominating conversations, redirecting discussions to her preferred topics, and ignoring us at social events. Her boundaries seem unclear, and yet, she repeatedly crosses ours. My wife and I have both read Crucial Conversations and understand how to create safety and establish Mutual Purpose. But how can we communicate our expectations effectively, especially when she insists on controlling the terms of the relationship?

Sincerely,
Rajeev

Dear Rajeev,

The situation you're facing is complex and emotionally taxing. Before taking any steps, ask yourself a foundational question: Do you want to continue this friendship? Answer honestly. Don’t feel obligated to say “yes” simply because of your shared history. It’s okay to let a relationship evolve—or even end—if it no longer serves you or aligns with your values.

If you decide to step away from the friendship, Maya Angelou’s wisdom might resonate: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” This path allows you to distance yourself gracefully.

However, if you decide to maintain the friendship, here’s how you might proceed:

Start with Mutual Purpose

One of the skills from Crucial Conversations—Inventing Mutual Purpose—can guide you. Start by clarifying what each of you values and wants from the relationship. Mutual Purpose is about discovering shared goals and redefining the relationship in a way that works for both parties.

This process often requires looking beyond immediate conflicts or requests. Instead of negotiating specific demands, such as "We expect you to behave this way at events," focus on broader principles like "How can we show respect for each other’s needs while fostering a healthy friendship?" This higher-level approach allows both parties to contribute to shaping a meaningful connection.

Be Honest About Consequences

If she resists collaborating on Mutual Purpose, you may need to illuminate the effects of her behavior. Often, people are unaware of how their actions impact others. For instance, you might say:

“You may not realize it, but avoiding these conversations has created stress and frustration for us. When issues are left unaddressed, they often grow larger and harder to resolve. This makes it more challenging to maintain the connection we all value.”

This approach can help her see the natural consequences of her actions. Be patient, as it might take time for her to reflect and respond.

Evaluate and Adjust

After attempting to work through these conversations, revisit your initial question: Is this friendship worth sustaining? If the answer is still “yes,” continue to invest in mutual understanding. If it shifts to “no,” focus on distancing yourselves with kindness and integrity.

Approach these discussions with empathy and a genuine desire to connect, even if the path forward is unclear. Perfect words aren’t necessary when your intentions are rooted in care and respect.

Wishing you clarity and peace,
Yogesh