Dear Yogesh,

With regards,

Mahesh

Dear Mahesh,

The struggle to speak up when someone wrongs you stems from a lack of confidence, which can be developed by improving both your skills and your mindset. While it’s understandable to feel weak in the moment, the key to overcoming this hesitation lies in understanding and reshaping the beliefs that fuel your silence.

The Root of the Issue: Understanding Your Beliefs

In Crucial Conversations, we introduce the concept of “Mastering My Stories,” which suggests that the stories we tell ourselves shape how we perceive situations and how we respond to them. This concept is particularly important when it comes to conflict, as the beliefs we hold about ourselves can greatly impact our ability to speak up.

In your case, it seems the pattern of silence may be influenced by past experiences or beliefs formed over time. Perhaps you’ve tried speaking up before, only to make the situation worse or damage relationships. Alternatively, you may believe that no one will listen or care about what you have to say. These beliefs create a barrier to expressing your feelings, leading you to stay silent and avoid confrontation.

Recognizing these underlying beliefs is the first step to changing them. It’s important to understand that changing these patterns takes time and effort, but awareness is a crucial starting point. The more you can identify and challenge these limiting beliefs, the more confident you will become in asserting yourself.

Reframing Your Perspective: Embrace Your Power and Responsibility

A key shift in your mindset is to see yourself as a powerful agent in the world, rather than someone who is helpless in the face of disrespect. This idea is central to the work we teach: seeing yourself as responsible for your actions and reactions, and acknowledging that you have the power to change the way you respond to difficult situations.

This perspective doesn’t just make you more capable of asserting yourself; it also encourages you to see yourself as someone who deserves to be treated with respect. By believing that you have the power to influence situations, you can take responsibility for creating healthy boundaries, which will in turn improve your confidence in speaking up.

Building the Confidence to Speak Up

Once you’ve identified the beliefs that hold you back, the next step is to develop the skills and strategies that will help you assert yourself in tough situations. To do this, I recommend focusing on two actions: affirming your self-worth and preserving your dignity.

1. Affirm Your Self-Worth:
   
   Start with small steps by asserting yourself in a calm but firm way. You don’t have to get into a heated argument; simply state that you won’t tolerate disrespect. For example, when someone raises their voice at you, calmly say, “You can’t talk to me like that” or “I won’t accept being spoken to in that manner.” The goal is not to escalate the situation but to assert your boundaries without aggression. Saying “no” is a powerful way to assert your worth and prevent others from crossing your boundaries.
   
   

2. Preserve Your Dignity:
   
   If you feel the situation escalating or becoming uncomfortable, it’s okay to remove yourself. Excuse yourself from the conversation and step away. By leaving, you’re not conceding or giving up; you’re affirming that you deserve to be treated with respect. This also provides you with time and space to regain composure. Walking away with an assertive statement like, “Excuse me,” allows you to preserve both your dignity and your sense of self-worth.
   
   

Both of these strategies will gradually build your confidence, as they allow you to act in a way that aligns with your values and needs.

Addressing Deeper Concerns

It’s also important to differentiate between situations where someone’s behavior is merely disrespectful and where it crosses into bullying or abusive behavior. If you are being threatened, bullied, or manipulated, it’s essential to seek professional help and ensure your safety. The strategies outlined here are intended for situations where you are allowing others to disrespect you due to a habit of silence, not when you are in immediate danger.

Keep Working on Your Confidence

This journey will take time, but it’s important to keep practicing. Don’t expect to change overnight, and be patient with yourself as you work through your beliefs and develop new communication skills. As you gain more experience with standing up for yourself, you will feel more empowered and less hesitant in future situations. There are also many resources, including books, courses, videos, and webinars, that can help you continue learning and improving.

In conclusion, the process of building confidence to speak up involves changing both your mindset and your skills. By recognizing and challenging your limiting beliefs, affirming your worth, and taking responsibility for your actions, you will be able to assert yourself more confidently. This is not about avoiding conflict, but rather learning to navigate it in a way that allows you to maintain your dignity and self-respect.

Remember, the more you practice, the more natural it will become. Stay committed to improving, and you will find that your confidence grows with each experience.

Warmly,

Yogesh