Sincerely,

Prem

Dear Prem,

It sounds like you’re caught between two options, and your recent frustration points to the fact that you haven’t fully committed to making a choice. Let me explain what I mean.

In your situation, you really only have two ultimate paths to choose from. The third option you’re seeking—tolerance—may sound like a middle ground, but in reality, it often turns into simply “putting up with” something that bothers you. Tolerance can be a temporary solution, but it’s not sustainable in the long run. At some point, it will show through, as you’ve experienced with your recent outburst. So, let’s break it down:

Option 1: Accept Him As He Is

True acceptance means embracing him fully, including the quirks and habits that don’t quite mesh with your preferences. When you entered into this relationship, you chose him with all his complexities, not just the traits you find appealing. If you want to make this work, you’ll need to accept him as a whole, even if some parts of him irritate you. Acceptance doesn’t mean you never get frustrated—it means you see these behaviors as part of what makes him who he is. Rather than wishing he would change, you learn to embrace his idiosyncrasies as part of his charm.

Option 2: Influence Him

If you feel that his repetitiveness really does need to change, you can approach it in an ethical way that encourages growth while still honoring your connection. There are a few important principles here:

1. Be honest: Don’t try to manipulate or control him subtly. If you want him to change something, you need to be clear and upfront about it. Trying to change someone without honesty can create distance, and it erodes the intimacy in the relationship.
   
   

2. Make failure an option: Don’t assume he’ll change, or that he even wants to. Be open to the possibility that his style of communication is something he might not prioritize changing. If you enter the conversation with rigid expectations, you may inadvertently place conditions on your affection, which can harm your bond.
   
   

3. Start with curiosity: Frame the conversation as a question, coming from a place of curiosity rather than frustration. Try something like this:
   
   “I’ve noticed that you sometimes repeat the same point several times in our conversations. I’m curious about why that happens so often. I love our talks, but I’ve realized that I sometimes lose focus when you elaborate too much. I’m wondering if I’m giving off signals that I don’t understand you, or if maybe you’re restating things for emphasis. If this is just how you process thoughts, I want you to know I’m not asking you to change. This is really more of my issue with impatience, and I want to be honest with you about it. But if you do notice this pattern, I’d like to talk about it and see if there’s something we can adjust.”
   
   

The key here is honesty. You’re not accusing him or blaming him. Instead, you’re opening up about your own experience and giving him the space to share his perspective.

The Risk of Vulnerability

As you read this suggestion, you might feel a bit nervous or even uncomfortable. That’s the feeling of vulnerability. It’s the kind of discomfort that comes when we take a risk and open ourselves up to the other person. But vulnerability is essential for true connection and intimacy. Relationships are built on our ability to be truthful, even when it’s challenging.

Two things have become clear to me through my own relationships:

1. The measure of my soul is the capacity to love and accept imperfect people. This includes myself and others.

2. Lasting happiness in life is tied to our ability to be truthful, loving, and connected to those around us. Real love doesn’t compromise on truth, and our connections can only go as deep as our emotional honesty with one another.

I hope this perspective helps you find a way forward with your dear friend. No matter which path you choose, embracing vulnerability and honesty will allow you both to connect in a deeper, more meaningful way.

Best Regards,

Yogesh