What to do when someone doesn’t listen- Ask Yogesh Sood
Dear friends,
It can be frustrating and hurtful when a friend seems distracted during conversations, as it might feel like they don’t value your words or your time together. However, resolving this requires a thoughtful approach rooted in clarity, empathy, and respectful communication. Here's a step-by-step guide to addressing this issue through an accountability conversation.
1. Align Expectations
Begin by understanding that you cannot control your friend’s behavior. Instead, aim to influence her actions through a meaningful conversation. Focus on raising her awareness and fostering mutual understanding rather than forcing a change.
2. Work with Positive Intent
Start by assuming your friend is unaware of how her actions affect you, rather than assuming she’s intentionally being dismissive. Presuming innocence allows you to approach the conversation with curiosity instead of accusation.
3. Differentiate between Intentions and behaviors
Recognize that your hurt feelings result from the outcome of her behavior, not necessarily her intent. Your friend might not mean to hurt or devalue you—she might be distracted by other pressures in her life. Separating her intentions from the effects on you helps you focus on the issue pragmatically rather than emotionally.
4. Begin with verifiable data
When addressing the issue, rely on facts instead of emotions or assumptions. Point out specific instances of the behavior as they occur, as this makes the conversation more immediate and grounded.
For example:
“Hey, I noticed something just now. You asked me a question, and as I started to speak, you pulled out your phone and started scrolling. This happens often when we’re together.”Once the behavior is acknowledged, express how it impacts you:
“When this happens, it makes me feel like you don’t value what I’m saying or enjoy spending time with me. Is that what’s going on, or am I missing something?”
5. Understand and appreciate to His/Her Perspective
After sharing your observations, give your friend the opportunity to explain. Simply listen without interjecting. She might reveal stress from work, personal challenges, or other reasons behind her distracted behavior. Alternatively, she may apologize and acknowledge the issue, opening the door for constructive next steps.
6. Define boundaries Collaboratively
If the other person is receptive, work together to establish guidelines for your interactions that minimize distractions and prioritize your time together. For example, suggest:
“Could we leave our phones in our bags or out of sight when we’re together? That might help eliminate distractions and make our conversations more meaningful.”
Creating mutual agreements ensures that both of you are committed to improving your interactions. If distractions recur in the future, you can simply remind her of the agreed boundaries rather than revisiting the entire issue.
Final Thoughts
This conversation is an opportunity not only to address immediate concerns but also to strengthen your friendship by fostering greater understanding and respect. If your friend is responsive, the relationship can deepen. However, if her behavior indicates a lack of care for the friendship, you may choose to focus your time and energy on relationships that offer the mutual value and respect you deserve.
By assuming the best, focusing on facts, listening actively, and setting boundaries, you create an environment where your friend is more likely to reflect on and adjust her behavior, leading to a more meaningful and attentive connection.