Dear Yogesh,

I have a son who struggles with listening. He often dominates discussions. When I challenge something he says, he can become defensive or even angry. His thinking tends to be quite inflexible. How can I navigate this situation?

Sincerely,Hari

Dear Hari,

I think it's important to recognize that while people may not have an inherent need to be right, they do have a deep-seated need to be heard. I empathize with your situation, where someone you care for isn’t meeting your needs—it can be really difficult.

You’ll have to find your own way through this, but here are some suggestions to consider.

Evaluate the truthfulness and scope of your perspective.

Your view, shaped by your expectations of good listening and your past experiences with your son, is that he is not a good listener and tends to dominate conversations. It might be beneficial to assess both the truthfulness and the scope of this view. For accuracy, you could ask others who have observed your interactions whether they agree with your assessment. Do they perceive him as monopolizing the conversation? The goal isn’t to dismiss your feelings but to get a broader perspective. Regarding scope, inquire if those who know your son also notice similar listening issues with him. Is he a poor listener overall, or is it more pronounced in your interactions?

Reflect on your desires—for yourself, your son, and your relationship.

It’s likely that you want your son to listen and be receptive to your viewpoints. The next step is to consider what you want for him. Be cautious here; the answer cannot simply be “I want him to listen more.” It’s easy to confuse our desires for others with what we genuinely want for them. Consider whether he is damaging important relationships or facing challenges at work. How might becoming a better listener benefit him in ways that matter?

Once you’ve clarified what you hope to achieve for yourself and your son, think about what you want from your relationship. Reflect on the nature, frequency, and length of your interactions, and try to release any preconceived notions about what your relationship “should” look like.

Set your boundaries.

While we can influence others, we can’t control their behavior. Your son’s actions are his alone. What you can control is how you respond and what boundaries you establish. A boundary isn’t about setting demands on others; rather, it is a declaration of your own actions. It communicates, “This is what I expect, and if it’s not met, here is how I will respond.” You need to determine what your boundaries are. Will you remain in the relationship even if he doesn’t change? Are there limits you will establish around it? Clarifying your boundaries helps distinguish what you truly want from what you need in your relationship.

Initiate a conversation.

The strength of any relationship can often be gauged by the time it takes to discuss issues that arise. I suspect there’s a significant delay in your case, which may have weakened your bond with your son. I urge you to start the conversation. Approach it with heartfelt intentions: begin by expressing your good intentions, create a safe space for him to share his perspective, and show curiosity about his approach in conversations. Reassure him of your love and commitment to maintaining your relationship.

Above all, make this its own dialogue. It’s easy to slip into conversations about politics or family issues and say something like, “You’re not listening, and it’s a recurring problem.” While addressing issues in the moment can sometimes be useful, this topic deserves its own dedicated discussion. Reach out to your son and invite him to talk about what you’ve noticed in your relationship. When you extend this invitation, be sure to explain why it matters—because you love him and value your connection.

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